The Joy of Being a Parent

THERE ARE JOYS IN BEING A PARENT

The other day I watched an interview on the Today Show with a researcher who, through careful scientific research, had concluded that having children does not improve most people’s lives. He hypothesized that human beings keep having children because there is some divinely created denial in our genetic makeup that allows us to repeatedly make this tragic mistake despite the obvious negative impact having children has on our lives.

This comment caused me to reflect on a prior evening where my loving and patient efforts to encourage my son to study his spelling words were met with aggressive defiance. At this time, my 10 year old son informed me that not only was I the worst parent on the planet, but that he hated me along with everything I had ever done and everything I ever thought about doing. Voices rose, doors slammed and I distinctly remembered the moment I stopped and enjoyed the brief fantasy of picking my son up, holding him over my head, and validating his assessment of my parenting skills by forcefully heaving him off the deck. Even when I was sure I was doing everything right to raise my son in a peaceful, supportive, and loving environment, life had flipped my reality, just to see how I would handle it. I did manage to resolve this crisis without the intervention of Children’s Services. When I finally made it to bed that night, I admit that I did take a moment to silently gaze at my wife and secretly question whose idea it really was to have children.

This being said, the following day, I was reminded why I made that frightening decision over ten years ago. I was nearing the end of an exhausting 56-hour work shift, and my mind was calculating how I was going to resolve the current crises in a timely manner that would allow me to complete the two remaining reports sitting on my desk so that I could actually leave work by 10 p.m. when my cell phone rang. This, in itself, was lucky because I had just given up my stubborn vow to keep my guard, my sovereignty, and was actually carrying my cell phone on me and had it turned on. Uncharacteristically, I answered it without checking the caller ID and heard my wife’s voice, which due to the strategic placement of the cell phone tower in the area, was coming through in fractured syllables. She was at my son’s baseball game. He was playing the team coached by his coach from the previous year—the one who vowed to get all the same players on his team this year because they were so good. Well, the coach did get all his players back-- except for my son and another boy. Yes, my son noticed he was one of two who had not returned. He also told his mother that he was going to show the coach that he made a mistake by not picking him. As a rule, I do not try and teach my son that revenge is a positive thing, but in this instance it provided him with a high level of motivation. My son’s team had been down by one run when my son came up to bat with the bases loaded.  My wife’s voice went out again for a moment.  Then I heard the words “grand slam.” For a brief moment, the stress of the moment was lost in an intoxicating rush of parental pride and joy. 

I arrived home around ten thirty that evening. My wife met me at the door and hurried me to my son’s room. He had tried to stay up so he could be the one to tell me, moment by moment, what had happened. However, fatigue had won out. My wife and I woke him and his eyes opened wide for a moment in a false state of alertness. He said, “Dad I hit a grand slam!” And before I could respond, he fell back on his pillow dead asleep. My wife had recorded the event on her cell phone. A little grainy, but you could see the coach call him over and give him a word of advice prior to stepping up to the plate. Ball one, and then came a swing that flew smack up over the second baseman’s head. My son ran toward first and out of the picture. The screaming continued and the camera jiggled. Then I saw my son reappear as he came around third base and slide, not ungracefully, into home. He walked into the dugout and was swarmed by his teammates. Finally, there was a break in the swarm of red hats and my son looked toward his mother with a smile so big and so full of joy that it instantly reminded me that being a parent does provide the most rewarding moments that any life can offer. The next time I think about throwing my son off the deck, I will think of the smile on his face as his teammates hugged him and I’ll remember that redemption is just around the corner. As for the childless commentator hypothesis, he has it all wrong.

The Mindful Skeptic

          How did a skeptic like myself come to embrace the idea of mindfulness?   Living in California there are endless self-proclaimed shamans, gurus, and religious followers who claim to provide mystical solutions to existential and psychological problems.    At first glance, mindfulness appeared to have this same mystical etiology.  However, the more I read about the concept of mindfulness, the recent scientific research related to the practice, and its connection with other psychological theories, the more I was moved to suspend my skepticism and see for myself what it had to offer.  Mindfulness is, in its most basic definition, the awareness of the present moment with non-judgment.  What does this mean exactly and how is it helpful?  The ability to sit quietly and observe our thoughts and feelings without judging them, or acting on them, provides us with the opportunity to see them clearly and recognize how they affect our decisions.  This, in turn, helps us to identify those thoughts that are distorted or have become automatic responses to an event, responses which may no longer be effective.  This awareness gives us more control over our lives.  We are no longer reacting to every thought and feeling, but choosing which to respond to and choosing how we will react to them.   One simple example of this process can be seen when we sit down to lunch with someone and continue to eat well past when feel full.  We keep eating because our focus is on the conversation and we are not aware of being full at the moment.  It is outside our immediate awareness.   We have lost touch with the moment and our automatic eating habit takes over. 

          Prior to my interest in mindfulness meditation, I did have a short history with mediation.  I tried, unsuccessfully, to meditate when I was twelve years old.   My short attention span and impatience resulted in my giving up after only one week.    Now older, more patient, and a little wiser, I decided I would try meditation again. This time I would start with the added help of the dozen books I had read on the subject and an improved understanding of what to expect.   I made time at least once a day for at least twenty minutes and made an effort to include several shorter mindfulness exercises throughout the day.  I noticed very little change at first and stopped for several weeks due to an increase in the demands of family and work.  But, I was determined to give it my best effort, and I started again.  Slowly, I began to notice a change.  While I am not an overly anxious person (they say that public speaking is the most common fear) I do find myself feeling anxious when speaking on matter’s in which my competence is questionable, or when addressing those in authority  such as when testifying in court.  I found that my frequent, short intervals of practice allowed me to bring my attention to my breath in these situations which triggered a sense of calm that allowed me to recognize the anxious feeling that arose.  This allowed me to maintain my presence in that moment.  This, in turn, helped prevent the anxiety from hijacking my mind, and allowed me to think more clearly, and enjoy what had previously been an uncomfortable (and threatening) situation.   In short, it allowed my mind to acknowledge my automatic emotional responses, but not be overwhelmed by them.   I was able to return my focus to what was happening at that moment and respond in a way I understood to be best in that situation—undisturbed by the anxious feeling.

                Since that time, five years ago, I have continued to read on the subject of mindfulness and psychology.  I have attended numerous seminars and spent a week at a mindfulness retreat with the Buddhist monk Tich Nhat Hann at his monastery in San Diego.   I continue with my own mindfulness practice and have begun to utilize its principals in my work with couples, individuals, and families.  It is not the answer to all problems, but it is a great tool to confront the stress and demands of our modern world; a world that creates an attachment to technology that can separate us from ourselves and prevent us from being present in the lives we are living.  It can help us when faced with pain, stress, grief, and anger to not be overwhelmed by these situations and provide us with increased control over how we chose to respond to these feelings. 

Stress Management

Stop! Take a moment to enjoy the beauty in nature. This is one way to help manage stress.

Our lives are full of demands from our family, our jobs, our recreation, and our health. We have added to this the constant call of electronic devices that demand our immediate attention 24 hours a day. These distractions make it difficult to focus on our task at hand and increase our level of stress.

Stress negatively affects our job performance, our health, and our relationships. By improving our ability to reduce stress in our lives, we improve our health and dramatically improve our relationships, as well as our sense of well being.

To help identify the root causes of stress and how to reduce the stress in your daily lives, relaxation techniques, time management skills, mindfulness skills, and identifying your core values are important. All these steps will help reduce stress and increase your ability to respond postitively to stressful situations.

For more information, feel free to call me at (310) 579-5002 or email me at bbatesmft@verizon.net.